Another month. Another period.

As a female in her later thirties, you think I would be used to getting my period by now. After all, it’s been happening for almost 25 years. Every fourth Wednesday at 3:30 pm it arrives. Clockwork.

When you’re trying to have a baby, however, feeling that first cramp is torment. It’s like an annoying game show host with flashing lights all around him giving you the double finger pistol saying, “you’re not pregnant” followed by the wha-wha sound-effect. Yesterday I was defeated. Again.

Hubs and I have been trying on and off for a few years. We have been pregnant – three times as a matter of fact. Unfortunately I haven’t carried to term. My last miscarriage was in September 2011, however, there was a silver lining. Yes, when you believe everything happens for a reason, pregnancy loss is included in that.

We were at the Ottawa Fertility Clinic for over a year. No concrete diagnosis. Just possibilities. So I jumped back on the horse cowboy err, well, you get the point. We tried again. And every fourth Wednesday at 3:30 that first cramp would hit. By September of last year I was completely deflated.

I needed a break. I needed control and to know what the outcome would be. So I pushed hubs way. Wouldn’t let him touch me. When his heavy arm would flop over me to spoon in the morning I would find some reason to move out of his embrace. Ahhhh, that may lead to something ya know! I couldn’t set myself up for another round of disappointment.

Fast forward a few months. I was ready to start trying. Again. The new year brought new beginnings. We had already booked a trip to Cuba and according to my mobile mom ovulation app we couldn’t have timed it better. But March came in like a lion and delivered its most ferocious roar on Wednesday at 3:30.

I am trying not to let this bring me down. I really, really, really am. I know the statistics: a woman my age has about a 15 – 20% chance of getting pregnant each month. When the hormones are raging it’s hard to remind yourself it’s only been a month…give it time. Maybe my body is just waiting to test Malcolm Gladwell’s iron law of Canadian hockey: in any elite group of hockey players – the very best of the best – 40 percent of the players will have been born between January and March. Cha-ching. Retirement plan.

As I write this post the new pooch looks at me through the glass and a smile crosses my face. I reflect on the day and am reminded how kickass my life is. Yes, even when I am sleep deprived because the same GD pooch only power naps and wants to play at all hours of the day and night I can recognize this. Like our neighbour Jamie, a stay-at-home furmom who comes over every day to let Lois out for a paw-date. And my mom who spent I don’t know how many hours this week editing some work I had rewritten 18 times when I couldn’t think clearly anymore. And my bestie who helped me find the way out of my head when I was lost in it. And hubs for doing more than his share trying to wear Lois out. And those are just today’s reminders.

It’s the little things that make my life so amazing. What makes yours amazing?

Read more about our baby-making story here.



20 Responses

  1. Hugs chicky, I have a friend who is going through the throws of getting pregnant as well and while I can’t directly relate to that, I can to the miscarriage and false hopes. Thinking of you xo

  2. I’m sorry to read you’ve been going through all this 🙁 I’ve known many women in a similar position as you. It’s not fun, at best, and physically, emotionally and spiritually draining at worst. I wish you great success, but in the meantime, keep up that wonderful sense of humour – that’s what will get you through the hard times. I agree, it’s the little things that make life amazing. Being happy with what you already have is key. The rest is icing on the cake.

    1. “Being happy with what you already have is key” is EXACTLY what I was thinking about tonight. People are missing a lot of amazing things if they’re just waiting for kids to fulfill their lives.

      Oh, and don’t you worry…sarcasm is an innate feature of mine 😉 It’s not going anywhere.


  3. Girlfriend, you are not alone. I know that feeling all too well and I am so sorry about all of your troubles and heartbreak. With Ellia we tried for 2 years and have been trying again for 10 months for number 2, with 1 failed IUI cycle under our belt already. I refused to wait another 2 years, even though every time we see our doctor at the fertility clinic, he reminds me of how young we are, and how much time we have. Like dude, I get it, but I want a baby NOW. I know how incredibly fortunate we are to have her, she makes the whole thing bearable, she is definitely my amazing. I am so happy you have Lois and if you ever need to chat, walk on over 😉

  4. I just wanted to stop in and give you a big virtual hug. It sucks when trying for a baby isn’t working out and I remember the feelings very well. I am sending you all my positive vibes that your rainbow will come soon

  5. Being an adult sometimes makes you realize that life doesn’t always work out like you hoped or dreamed, but this doesn’t mean it hasn’t worked out well. I wish you the best in your journey.

    My life is amazing because I live in my dream house, with a wonderful hubby, 2 great dogs (most of the time) and I have an awesome, fulfilling job where I get to help individuals with autism. I am very blessed.

    1. Thanks The Lady 🙂 My journey has been amazing so far. I wouldn’t trade it for the world (well, except for bring the #suckhole back from the other side of Rainbow Bridge …. but then we wouldn’t have #RobLo soooo…). Every experience makes us who we are. And I like me.


  6. I love that you’re able to see the good despite going through what you’re going through. It says a lot about who you are. My favourite quote (which is actually a line from a Sheryl Crow song) is: It’s not having what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got.

  7. I wish I had a profound nugget of advice that would make you feel better or make the situation more palatable but alas, I fear they would all ring hollow.
    But I thank you for sharing such an honest post.

    *sending you lots of cyber love*

  8. Oh, sweetie. I’m so sorry, I didn’t know you were going through this. Hugs and love and happy thoughts being sent your way. Thank you for your honest and heartfelt post, and for sharing with us your positive attitude. Nothing is better than finding happiness when things are not going the way we’d like. Love to you! xo

  9. Anonymous

    Like I commented before you really are an amazing one and any child would be blessed to have you as a mom. I wish I had you’re positive attitude towards life even after all you’ve been through. I still can’t find peace with being, what’s that wonderful word people use to use to describe us, barren. What an awful word, anyway along the these lines. How do you feel about people saying your can’t understand a parents pain, because you don’t have children? While I understand they’re point to me it’s just another dagger in the heart, not only am I not blessed which children, I also cannot hell empathy of someone because I’m not in the “club”. Thank you for your blog, does make it better knowing there more that me in this situation in the world, well not really you still have a chance for your miracle.

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. Even for me it is sometimes difficult to see through the mud. I make a conscious effort to every day. If you ever need an ear, please do not hesitate to let me know. xo

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