14
Jan
2014
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Sorrowing Furmom

Today has not ended the way I had intended. Throughout the day I made mental notes of the points to include in a light-hearted, amusing post (even if I was the only one laughing). It has ended in woe. As I write this with waterfalls pouring down my face, I’m hoping it will be a quarter intelligent. An eighth is probably more realistic though. Let’s go with an eighth.

As I left work the date hit me like a left hook from Sugar Ray: one month to the day of unexpectedly losing my #suckhole (read about my heartache here). And that was it. Tears pricked the back of my eyes.

Breath.

I make it through traffic. As I aimlessly wander Costco desperately trying to remember what I am there, memories flood my soul. Images of our last day together lying in the vet’s office waiting for the inevitable, taunting me.

Focus.

After checking out (twice because I can’t get my shit together), I head to Sobey’s. Emotions could no longer be buried and I find myself, cart in front of me, in the middle of a meltdown. Luckily the store is quiet and I escape without being noticed.

Be gentle on yourself.

I hear the words of a good friend. I remind myself that it is OK to hurt. It is OK to cry. I sit in the parking lot and cry. And cry. And cry. I finally make it home and have not stopped crying. Tonight I miss her deeply. I didn’t think it was possible for the hurt to still be as painful as it is.

I miss you princess. I hope there’s nothing but ice cream and treats and snow on the other side of rainbow bridge and that they know you need your own bedroom. With the pillows fluffed. xo

 
 



This poem was sent to us after Maddie passed. While I did all of these things, I am still waiting to see this as kindness …

IF IT SHOULD BE

 If it should be that I grow weak,
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then you must do what must be done,
For this last battle cannot be won.

 

You will be sad, I understand.

Don’t let your grief then stay your hand.

For this day, more than all the rest,

Your love for me must stand the test.

 
We’ve had so many happy years.
What is to come can hold no fears.
You’d not want me to suffer so;
The time has come — please let me go.
 
Take me where my need they’ll tend,
And please stay with me till the end.
Hold me firm and speak to me,
Until my eyes no longer see.
 
I know in time that you will see
The kindness that you did for me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I’ve been saved.
 
Please do not grieve — it must be you
Who had this painful thing to do.
We’ve been so close, we two, these years;
Don’t let your heart hold back its tears.
 
— Anonymous —


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