The best I can be

Two days ago I hit publish for the first time in 869 days. And I have been high ever since. Don’t worry Mama, it’s the legal kind.

I took a chance on many just about everything that was comfortable to me. After a ten year, fantastic career with a great organization and amazing people, I not only changed jobs but also leapt into a new sector. I’ve packed and unpacked and purged and repacked three times, moving east of Highway 416 (that’s BEYOND huge for a west-end girl). I am learning what it takes to keep younger humans alive –- and by that I mean my anxiety meds are on automatic refill. Please let this deep freeze end. Please let this deep freeze end.

Through all of this change I gave up writing. Why? I was no longer authentic. If I could not be true to myself, how could I be true to those around me? My spark for life had waned. I was trying to figure out who I was again.

It has only been in the last few weeks that I have found a sense of calmness. Sidebar: For those who have been a part of this ride, total oxymoron, right?! But it’s true.

I am the only curator of my destiny.

This journey is happiness. I have a babe who loves me so unconditionally I feel like a unicorn all rainbow and sparkly and sh*t. We put our relationship ahead of everything else. We start and end our day in each other’s arms and yes, another warning, we show PDAs.

While it still scares the bejeezus out of me every.single.day. I am helping the Babe shape his two dudes; both of whom are amazing human beings (they were already great and I now get to be a part of their awesomeness). Triple B have opened my eyes to a once-foreign world. They teach me something every day. I only hope I can have the same impact on them as they do me.

As chaotic as life is balancing a relationship, small human beings and their activities, careers, helping manage a hobby farm, showing horses, community events, and so on and so on and so on (there’s the line that makes the oxymoron), I take time to reflect each day. What did I impact today? How did my actions affect someone? Was I at my best? These daily musings led me to realize my contentment.

Just shy of three years ago, on my twenty-eighth-plus-ten-years-experience birthday, I wrote a post. It was a list of the thirty-eight reasons why I loved the place I was at in life. As I re-read it the other day I realized I am back to that very same place, only every single reason is amplified by 1 trillion billion.

Maybe I didn’t learn to fly in 2015, but I’m as high as I’ll ever be now. And from here on, all I need is to be my best.


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